All my life I’ve tried so hard to be so fucking careful. So watchful, so observant, so hesitant, so cautious…I must proceed as directed. I must follow orders. I mustn’t fuck up in any way (oops, I just said “fuck”, well there goes that perfect streak. Now I’m damned for eternity…) I must obey. I must follow suit. Don’t rock the boat, don’t be controversial, don’t overstep, over speak, over remark, over demand…whatever it may be.
It’s trapped me. It’s shackled me, and all by my own doing, and by the un-doing of others. Stemming from what I’ve learned, directly and indirectly, watching, witnessing and observing, from those around me. And where has it gotten me?
It’s broken me…
I’m a shell of a person.
I’m not living, I’m not expressing, I’m not feeling fully. I’m trapped. I’m trapped in the shell of the person that’s become “me”. And for what??? I’m here living one existence, one reality, one chance at whatever this thing called life is, and I’m stopping myself from fully being able to experience it. I’m halting my own wishes, desires, feelings, emotions – all so that I can keep up – keeping up the status quo – don’t question, just do. "Do as I say, not as I do." But how on earth could I? When I’ve only seen false denial of truth my whole entire life? Most of us are living for someone else… based on how someone else told us to be or wants us to be. We’re not ourselves. How on earth can we come back to ourselves?
I looked around at nature. It’s powerful and raw and real and true. It’s unrelenting, magnanimous, and dangerous. It’s frightening and terrifying…and in the same breath it’s staggeringly beautiful and elegant. And so full of grace, that all you can do is stare in awe and wonder… Because you are of it, and yet, you’re so separate. You’ve removed yourself from your true nature and all the inherent instincts within you. You’re the shell – the walking, talking, moving silhouette of what human could be – should be. You’re not your true nature.
You’re stuffing and denying and forgetting and squashing every animalistic urge and desire within you. You’re silencing your true nature. And then when you hurt nature - by throwing away your trash, with your using and abusing, you deny that too. You look away, the same way you disregard a homeless person on the side of the road. Because you can’t look. You can’t bear to see your own truth staring back at you from the humanity and reality in front of you.
Aww, but nature, she is waiting for us to awaken. She’s waiting for us to embrace our true selves, our true inherent knowing, our true inherent desires. She’s hopeful and caring and patient…she’s waiting for us to remember, for us to hear her call, for us to hear our internal voice, our internal waves, our internal beat and rhythm. It’s the undercurrent that guides us all…and we’ve neglected it.
We occupy ourselves with electronic gadgets, with phones, with TV's, with stereos, with noise – we drown out the true beat and rhythm of our hearts. We neglect and distract and stay busy…for we fear when we do stop, the undercurrent and rhythm will return, reminding us once again of what longs for us, of what we’ve left behind, of what we’ve forgotten. And the pain of hearing that call... hurts too much… So we stuff, and block, and build, and confront, and challenge – to deafen and drown what is true, what is real.
We’re shells…hollow, adrift, searching, wandering, wondering…looking and longing for something to fill that voice and that void – we use alcohol, and drugs, and sex, and tv, and food, and, and, and, and, and and and… but it’s never enough. It’s not truly satisfying. These things are fleeting, and false, and untrue. They simply distract for a moment…until we remember once again, and feel the pain.
The pain is dark and ominous and scary. It keeps us up at night. It chokes back our words from being spoken. It hides our fears. It drowns us out. It mutes us, dilutes us, waters us down, down, down…until we’re just the shells. The megaphones recording and reciting what is seen, what is heard, but nothing is real, nothing is true.
The nothing overwhelms us. Our thoughts repeat on the wash/spin/rinse/repeat of our minds – over and over, telling us we shouldn’t dare, we’re not good enough, we don’t deserve, we’re unworthy, we’re lesser than, that we’re unlovable, unlivable, unworthy of the existence we’ve been gifted and granted. It tells us to hide, to shrink, to PRETEND, to deflect, distract, subdue, subside…
And yet we carry on. Searching, exploring, waiting, wondering, hoping…trying – so much trying - to do better, be better, feel better. Improve, achieve, win, reward, then punish, betray, tear down – wash, rinse, repeat….