The Big Payoff

TS
Jul 18
3 min read

I feel full. Of what, exactly, I’m not really sure.

I feel full of… wonder, of awe, of possibility, of potential. And at the same time, I feel… daunted, afraid, tired, so tired, scared, cowardly, nervous, anticipatory.

Where does all this stem from? What does it mean? Is there something for me to learn or discover?

Again, a feeling of needing to be perfect arises. Something about perfection that needs to be attained. That if it’s not “just right”, it’s a failure.

And yet, I still know that’s an untruth. I’m caught between a knowing and a questioning. How does one live from this place?

What is it supposed to be like? I find myself asking this question a lot – how is it supposed to be? Am I living up to this potential within? Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?

Where is all of that coming from? Who told me or taught me that I have to be “something”? That I have to do something a certain way? That I’m being watched?

Who’s watching and witnessing it all, besides me? Or, is it just me?

For some unknown reason, I feel like there’s an over-watcher. An over-witness that’s alongside me, somehow, on this journey, on my journey.

Where does that come from?

I find myself so cautiously typing out these words, as if I have to be careful and hesitant for some reason. Don’t mess up, don’t make a mistake, don’t cause a ruckus…

Where did all these ideas come from? Why am I not simply allowed to be? To take up space, to make noise, to make mistakes. Why does it always have to be so trepidatious? When did I pick up this habit and when will I be allowed to LET IT GO?

When I’ve done enough? When I’ve “pleased” my over-watcher/master enough?

I keep feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking and feeling that something is supposed to happen. A big miracle, a big understanding, a big awakening, something revelatory that I can point to and say, “Ha!, I knew it all along!”, “I knew there was something behind all of this, and now it all makes sense!” But that specific “ah-ha” moment never comes. So, instead I keep watching and waiting and hoping that one day all will be revealed. That if I do enough good, for long enough, I’ll be rewarded. That the Great and Powerful Oz will step out from behind the curtain and reveal themselves!

That’s what it is, isn’t it? I’m waiting for the reward. I’m waiting for the payoff. And yet, when I question what is behind that, I wonder, what would I actually consider rewarding?

I don’t necessarily want a thing, or an object, or a person, or a being, or anything really… so what is it that I do want?

Hmmm, I want proof, that’s what it is. I want proof that all of this is not for nothing. I want proof that all the anger, all the hatred, all the frustration, all the suffering, and tears and betrayal and ugliness was for something, for some purpose, for something greater than what I’ve seen so far.

So, what if that “proof” never comes? What if it’s all just the way it is? In it’s awkward, strange, disjointed, disconnected, messiness? What if this is it?

Can I accept that? Can I be with that and still live a life that feels meaningful?

Why does it all need to have meaning in order for me to be ok with it? Is it not allowed to be just because it is?

Does it have to have a value? Does it have to matter or mean something?

Because what if it doesn’t?

If it doesn’t, then why does it feel like it should?

Why do I feel like I’m constantly waiting, wondering, looking, searching, inquiring? Wouldn’t all of that longing go away if truly it was nothing?

Again, I come back to the sense of tiredness. Maybe I just need to rest. Maybe I just need to find the stillness and tranquility within all of it.

Maybe I just need to stop trying so damn hard.

I pause and hear a quiet voice within softly say…

Stop trying so hard…

Just rest.

Just pause.