A Return to Myself - Part 1

I recently did something really scary. For the first time in over 20 years, I auditioned for a show.

For those who may or may not know, I grew up performing. I was in plays and theatre from Junior High through High School and went on to study Theatre Arts, with an acting and directing emphasis in college. After graduating from the University of Northern Colorado, I performed in various parades and shows at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, and that eventually led me to New York City where I pursued acting as a full-time career. While there I landed parts in various commercials, corporate videos, background work on all the Law & Orders (yes, I got to meet ICE-T, once), as well as being cast as a background performer in The Producers with Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, and was there the day Mel Brooks gave us all a rousing pep-talk about film and acting. It was a dream come true! I loved it all and thought I’d perform on various stages and screens for the rest of my life. But after a very intense two-year immersive acting program in New York, I gave up acting at the end of 2006, and never went back. I never even gave it much thought, or considered returning… That is, until now.

I thought the dream and the bug had left me. And for awhile it certainly felt that way. When I gave up acting, I did so with intention, knowing that I likely wouldn’t go back to it, and I was okay with that choice for over two decades. I had found a life partner who eventually became my husband, and for my career, wine became my new passion. I intentionally started a new chapter of my life, working in the wine industry of New York, and that, along with my husband, led me all over the world - to London, France, Italy, Portugal and many more extraordinary and beautiful wine regions around the world. I loved it in a similar way to my acting, and so for a very long time, I felt fulfilled, very fulfilled.

Wine also opened doors for me in a way I never experienced with my acting career. I had often felt out of place, insecure, shy, nervous and like I could never really be my true self or find my footing while pursuing acting. It always felt like I was trying to push this unbearably heavy bolder up a hill, and I didn’t know why I felt like I had to push so hard, and I never felt clear in the direction it was taking me. Working in the wine industry felt different for me. It felt secure in a way acting didn’t. Wine almost always offered me new choices and opportunities when acting often felt like banging my head against a brick wall. While I was acting, it was hard to meet people, find a community, or gain traction with the decision makers, and I never felt confident in myself or had a sense of security while acting. While the culture of wine, and the people in the wine industry almost always seemed to lift me up and support me in ways I never could’ve imagined and kept me very content for 20 years. I found a real comradery and a collaborative spirit with many of my colleagues in the wine industry, and some of those first contacts, I’ve remained close with for more than 20 years. I never really felt that in the acting world – it always felt piecemeal and disjointed. I would meet some nice people on set one day but then would never see them again. And I struggled desperately to try to figure out how to “work the system” that was “show business”. And I could never really sell myself in that way you’re supposed to as an actor, unabashedly self-promotional (ugh, I hated that!). But somehow, I could do that for wine, and as an actor, it came naturally for me to sell someone else’s story, while working in PR and marketing for incredible vintners around the world.

Then, this past December, I traveled to India for the first time, and along the way, walking in the footsteps of The Buddha, I started to reconnect with a small, quiet voice inside. This little voice had a longing within that reminded me how much I had always loved film, Television and the Stage. That little, small voice had stayed quiet and dormant, patiently waiting for me to get still enough and willing enough to be able to hear her again. India provided me with that space and opportunity.

It came to me in a most unexpected way. I said yes to joining a group of MMTCP Alumni, on an adventure with Shantum Seth at BuddhaPath.com, in an immersive two-week excursion to India walking in the footsteps of where the Buddha was born, lived, taught and passed away, and along the way we studied and practiced his teachings. I’d never really thought of traveling to India, but when the opportunity presented itself to me, I thought, “If I’m ever going to go to India, this is the way to do it.” (And I was exactly right – the experience was incredible and exactly what I needed!)

While we were travelling across Northern India on a bus, visiting village after village, town after town, where the Buddha had lived, died, been born, and taught - at one point after a stop for lunch, we boarded back onto the bus, and the girl behind me was talking on her cell phone with a friend, who I presumed was in the UK or the US, because she was speaking English. She, dear Diya, is the daughter of our leader and guide, Shantum, and as twenty-something-year-olds on the phone, they seemed to be talking about future plans, discussing colleges, end of summer plans, where they might live, etc. and at one point the other person on the phone must’ve said something that inspired this query from Diya on the phone behind me, because she said, “What, do you want to be, Meryl Streep, or something??” And the way I heard it, and the way it was asked, I thought and felt as if she was speaking directly to me. Suddenly it caused me to pause – to really pause - and to ask myself, “Tamara, do YOU want to be Meryl Streep, or something??” And immediately the answer came to me, like a strong flash of lightning within - so strong, so solid, so grounded in the knowingness of who I am and who I want to be, “YES! YES! I do want to be Meryl Streep!!! I’ve wanted to be Meryl Streep my entire life!” I was suddenly and instantly reminded of this absolute truth within myself. I’ve known this since being a very little girl. I’ve known it my entire life! As a young child I learned that Meryl and I shared the same birthday of June 22, and I felt and knew then, like a sign from the universe, saying, “Yes, you too! You can also be just like Meryl because you’re born on the same day. You have the same attributes. You are star signs with matching astrology; therefore, it must be kismet that we’re on a similar path.”

So much of that little girl’s heart and desire “to be Meryl” has remained dormant within me for the last twenty years, but at the beginning of this year, thanks to my book club, I read a book about stepping out of your comfort zone, called, “I’m Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come – An Introverts Guide to Saying Yes”. And the book really resonated with me. It reminded me that we don’t have to stay stuck in our same habitual patterns and tendencies. We can try something new, we can be scared, be uncomfortable, be vulnerable, make a fool out of ourselves, and it’ll be okay – we can do it anyway! Because that’s where the magic of life really exists – in the trying, in the unknown, in the attempt! (aka To Be Or Not To Be…)

So, I started to explore what that might look like in my own life. I started to try new things that felt interesting, or a little scary, but in a good way. I started to take classes on subjects I’d always thought about trying but never did for one reason or another (usually I’d create some excuse just so I wouldn’t have to take a risk). I started taking writing classes, voice-over classes, Intro to Screenwriting, and more. I just started to explore what my heart wanted to guide me towards. The things that felt scary, like being on a diving board and jumping off into the unknown. These were the things I knew I needed to try. And within a few months, it led me back to music, singing, and acting. I suddenly started to notice posters and flyers for community theatre being performed nearby, and then people around me started talking about theatre and shows they went to and enjoyed.

Recently, I started going to see local plays, musicals, and shows again. I haven’t really supported local theatre in years because I no longer felt like I could be a part of it. But the truth is, it’s always been there, and I was the one who couldn’t see it, or allow myself to be a part of it. I was the one who took myself out of it.

After seeing a few local shows, I thought to myself, yeah, I think I could do that again – get back up on stage and perform a role, act out a story, or sing to a room full of people. It felt terrifying to think of trying again, but it also felt exhilarating, so I knew I needed to start small, somehow, some way. So, I took a singing lesson a few weeks ago – my first in 20 years! I was so nervous. It was terrifying to open my mouth and have someone hear me sing again, in this way! But also, it felt incredibly thrilling! It felt familiar and strange and new and different and all the things. It made me feel alive again, in a way I haven’t felt in years. In some ways, it felt a little like coming home, within myself. I could remember and feel the sweet, optimistic, joyful girl I used to be as a teenager – singing throughout the rooms of my home, day and night, learning new songs, listening to new musicals, and totally annoying my younger brother at the time.😊The truth is, that little girl never went away, she just got really really quiet and really good at hiding herself within this adult version of me.

So, I dove in – I took a big risk. I practiced and recorded a song and a musical for an audition. I submitted my recorded pieces and within a week, I was kindly notified that I didn’t get any parts in an upcoming show. But despite not earning a callback or landing a role, I was so proud of myself for forging ahead – for doing it, no matter the outcome. For pursuing something again, in this way. For working towards a goal, taking the time to rehearse and practice, and then feeling confident enough in who I am now, to submit my audition material, even though I knew it wouldn’t be perfect, and I’d be rusty, and I’d be judged again by people in casting. It still felt incredibly rewarding. It felt like a way to grow and spread my wings in a way I haven’t in many years, and because of that, I’m so thankful and grateful just for the experience.

So, will I try and audition again? YES! In fact, I have already committed myself to another audition within the next couple of weeks, so fingers crossed I’ll have the opportunity to try something new and learn more about myself once again as I venture back into these new (and old) uncharted waters.

I also want to give a personal little shoutout and thank you to my Book Club for inspiring and encouraging me to try new things, as we read new books, listen to new stories from different perspectives, it has allowed a shift to occur within me, seeing things with a new lens of possibility. Thank you to my friends who have encouraged me to take risks, trust my inner wisdom, and cheer along the sidelines with me as I venture into new, uncharted waters. Big thanks also to my husband and my family for supporting me and celebrating all my quirkiness, giving me permission to be my weird, unconventional, random self. A traditional 9 to 5 in the office, year upon year, was never going to be the exact right fit for me, so I’m so thankful to those around me for never making me feel incompetent for trying something new, and starting over and over again, multiple times throughout my life.

My advice – don’t be afraid to try something new (or again).

You’re never too old for anything – if you’re breathing, you’re young enough!

Take a risk, take a leap!

See where the adventure and the road leads you.

To Be Continued…